Any-Mom » Angie Stole My Man

Angie Stole My Man

10.24.2008 | Author: OrganizerMom | Posted in Off the Cuff

I think I’m becoming obsessed with Angelina Jolie. First off, she snagged the man I was supposed to marry: Brad Pitt. I settled on Brad after John F. Kennedy, Jr., died in a tragic plane accident. My second choice was George Clooney but then he turned into a misogynist kid-hater. So that’s how I ended up with Brad. Unfortunately, that little minx Angelina got her claws in him before I could act.

I suppose the first thing I’ll need to do is change my name. You do know that Jolie in French means pretty, right? I think I’ll one-up her and make my name Belle, which means beautiful. Beautiful definitely rates higher than pretty on the good-looking scale, I would say. Then when I’m too old for Belle, I’ll switch to une femme d’une certaine age which is a euphemistic French expression meaning a woman of a certain age, typically used for older, glamorous women. That’s a little long for a last name, but I think I can make it work. I bet Angie (that’s what her good friends call her) hasn’t thought that far ahead.

Brad seems to like the fit, lean types. I used to be quite fit and I have a lot of lean buried under my not-so-lean. Brad says Angie doesn’t have a lot of time to eat, what with all her kids and her volunteer work. Angie says that she got really thin last year because she was mourning her mother’s death (my sympathies, Angie – did you get those flowers I sent?) and couldn’t eat. I don’t quite understand this as I’ve steadily eaten my way through every life crisis I’ve ever suffered. But I think Brad will be relieved to be with a woman he can still see when she turns sideways.

The next thing I’ll need to upgrade for Brad is my breasts. Have you seen Angie’s lately? Even when she’s stick thin, she still has bountiful, bouncing boobs. Mine are more like National Geographic breasts than anything Brad has seen on Angie or in Playboy. Then again, Brad does have a tendency to adopt all those children from third-world countries, so maybe he’s okay with third-world breasts.

One thing I’m a little worried about when I marry Brad is that he likes to have lots of children. I’m hoping he’ll be satisfied with the six he already has, plus the one I have, because I’ve been having trouble getting pregnant lately. Although, I do feel like my eggs and uterus might perk up a bit if they see some of Brad’s DNA coming their way. If not, we could always adopt. I hear there are lots of children in third-world countries who need homes.

Now I just need to find someone else for Angie. Hey, I know! She could have George Clooney. If anyone can transform him from his anti-marriage, anti-kid, pro-pig Weltanschauung, it’s my good friend Angie.