Talking to Your Child About Sexual Abuse
What I’m fretting about today is talking to my son about sexual abuse. There are a few reasons why this is becoming a concern for me:
1. My son is 5 1/2 and is starting to go on play dates at the homes of preschool friends
2. My son left the house on Sunday and stood in the driveway talking to an old man with a little fluffy white dog
3. My son is very self-confident and will respond to adults who speak to him
Two weeks ago my son went on his second only playdate without me. The first one took place a few months ago at the home of a very trusted couple. We left our son and their two kids with a babysitter and went out to dinner. This was my son’s first babysitter experience. Yes, that’s right, in the whole entire 5 1/2 years of his life we have never hired a babysitter (pathetic, I know). We have left him with my mother on a few evenings but mostly we take him with us or we stay home. I was a little freaked out about leaving him with a babysitter I didn’t know but she had been taking care of our friends’ kids for a few years and I figured it would be okay. And it was. The only one with a problem was me.
The second play date took place at the home of a preschool friend. I don’t really know this family very well, but the mother took the time to introduce herself in the halls and suggested we get the boys together some time. So we set up a play date and I took my son over there, scouted out the place, and left him for a few hours. I was a little freaked out about this experience, as well. I mean, the other couple seemed nice enough, but how do you really know what goes on behind closed doors? There are lots of sick people out there in the world, and the worst part is, they can look totally normal. Well, the play date went fine, I guess. I mean, I didn’t have the nerve to ask my son, “Hey, sweetie, did anyone molest you while you were over there?” But I did take some action: I told my husband he would have to figure out a way to bring up this topic with our son. How’s that for taking charge!
Then, this past weekend, I suddenly realized my son had left the house. I heard talking outside so I went to the door. A disreputable looking old man with a small fluffy white dog was standing near the entrance to our carport, speaking to my son. I almost had a heart attack! I know for a fact that there are several sexual predators living in our area – they all have to be registered and you can find them in an online database. Well, I stood beside the door and watched until my son came back in. Then we went into the office where my husband was working and we all had a little chat about strangers. My husband did most of the talking and he handled it really well. Still, my son looked a little upset. It’s a fine line we walk between cautioning our kids to be careful and scaring the living crap out of them.
I later decided that this conversation would be an ongoing one – not just a one-time thing. So last night when my son was dancing around naked after his shower, I asked him if anyone is allowed to touch his penis. He said no. Then I asked what he would do if someone tried to touch his penis. He said he would tell a teacher. I quickly said that he should also tell Mommy and Daddy. And then Mommy will go beat the crap out of whoever did it. Okay, I didn’t say the last part, but I sure thought it. Nothing turns me into a violent tigress more than the thought of someone harming my son.
So I guess we are on the right track with talking about this subject. It kills me to have to end my son’s innocence with talk about the nasty motives of adults, but what choice do I have? He’s growing up, slipping out of my grasp, and getting out in the world. I think I owe it to him to prepare him in a realistic way for potential dangers. I’d love to know what other people have done about talking to their kids about sexual abuse. Please leave comments!
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I think you’re on the right track that age-appropriate discussions with children are ongoing. I don’t know of resources for this, but I do know of another important resource going along with this.
There is an excellent children’s book to help children who it is either known, or suspected, are being sexually abused. It is a faith-based book, but the authors are careful to tell the story itself in a way children can apply their own faith if they choose. They included the faith element because it is the child’s real story, fictionally told, and he relied on faith to help him, and also because many children are silenced by abusers by using faith as a weapon. The book is easy to read, small and discreet in size, and something children will be attracted to and will want to read. The first in a series of four. It has already been added to Resource Lists in many places (not faith based) and is a safe and tasteful tool to help children share.
Entitled David’s Sword by David, Lee and Marybeth Elliott, it can be purchased at any bookstore in the U.S. or you may visit David’s Sword Dot Com for an autographed copy.